Please can anyone help regarding my hapless husband

Hi all,

I am at my wits end and could do with some support.

I am menopausal and feeling so low.

My periods have stopped and all symptoms are in full flight now. Hot flushes, sweats, itching like something is crawling on my skin, dry skin, thin hair, hair growing where I don’t want it, bloating, wait gain, insomnia, vaginal dryness, total lack of sex drive, painful sex on the rare occasion it happens, headaches, joint aches, memory loss, anxiety, low self esteem, crying randomly and anger like I’ve never felt before.

The hormone fairy has been good to me !

The worst part of this is the total lack of understanding on my husbands part. He is behaving like a spoilt child. I’m sure he thinks this is like a virus and will clear up in a week or two !

Unfortunately he is metaphorically speaking walking around with his privates out ! (Mid life crisis) devouring young females with his eyes. Making me feel ten times worse.

He keeps asking me what’s wrong with me ? Why don’t I want him ? Am I having an affair ? Is he serious ? He raises his eyes up when I say I’m tired or aching like I’m using this as an excuse to not pay him attention. Why am I crying ? I tell him I have absolutely no idea and he stomps off in a huff.

I keep asking him to please read about menopause symptoms to help him understand. He got to the sex part and lost interest in the rest !

I am taking some herbal supplements but so far they are of no benefit. I am scared to talk to the GP as antidepressants have never suited me and HRT makes me think I’ll get breast cancer or something as my mum kept banging on about how bad it is. My dad also thinks it’s funny to say ooh you’re going through the change ! Big help ! I walk my dog daily which gets me out of the house it also gives me breathing space when I’m angry. I do mindfulness and keep busy to take my mind off things. I’m doing my best -alone.

Support network - zero (I have two teenage sons also)

I think just writing this has helped a lot as I have no one to talk to about how I’m feeling and venting is good.

I have always had a great sense of humour but even laughing seem futile now !

Thanks for listening/reading

Best Answer

  • KazKaz Posts: 482 mod
    edited April 13 Accepted Answer

    Hello @Driedupoldprune49 ,

    Welcome to the forum. I am SO glad that you shared your thoughts with us today!

    OH! The first thing I want to yell is "Come round for wine/gin/coffee - whatever your preference is. We have SO MUCH to talk about!"

    I'm so sorry that you are feeling so low. It's a horrible feeling - and one that a lot of us reading this will recognise only too well. 

    It's SO frustrating isn't it?

    Everything is SO damned frustrating at this stage of our lives - how you're feeling, how your husband is behaving, knowing what to do about any of it! Everything that is happening to you right now just blows your mind!

    I'm not an expert, and I don't think I have the answer to everything (I'm still working it all out myself!) - but let's try and help you.

    You have a support network now

    Here we are! No - we're not on the end of a phone, and as much as we'd like to, we're probably not going to share that glass of wine and put the world to rights with a giggle, a few choice sweary words and a recommendation for a magic potion that makes us all feel better. BUT we can listen, and we've probably all dealt with similar - and we get it. 

    Somehow - the mere fact that there is someone out there reading and listening to what you have to say, I hope, helps to put things into perspective and enables you to keep putting one foot in front of the other! And if all you do some days is put one foot in front of the other - then you're doing OK!

    The symptoms you describe are awful - and it's hard for us as women to get our heads around them, even though we have to deal with them on a daily (and nightly!) basis. 

    I am in no way defending your husband (I'm really not - I'd like to shake him!) but I do often think that a lot of the time, WE  have no understanding of what's happening to us, so I guess it's not unreasonable to assume that our husbands, our partners, our significant others are even more clueless! That's certainly not an excuse for unsupportive behaviour, but I can see that it's a vicious circle. You feel rotten, you have all these horrible symptoms, you want support and you need to tell your partner what's happening, but you don't understand it yourself and you really don't feel like talking to anyone anyway, so they feel isolated and angry and you feel miserable and unloved and all sorts of versions of this and similar scenarios repeat again and again..... It's exhausting! 💤💤

    That's a very simplified version of the truth I know - I often wonder if men simply view the menopause as the time when women stop having periods, and for them they must see that as a great thing right? No periods - must surely pave the way for lots of uninhibited fun and frolicking in the bedroom! When that doesn't happen - I guess I can see why they might feel rejected or think you aren't interested in them any more. The male ego can be a fragile thing! 

    What men don't understand is that our lower levels of hormones suck the moisture out of all parts of our bodies, take the sleep out of our nights, wipes out our sense of humour, makes us cry at the drop of a hat, puffs up our bodies, thins our hair in some places and grows it where we don't want it, gives us the ability to spontaneously combust at any and all points of the day, and just generally makes us feel like bizarre cartoon versions of ourselves. It's hard to pay attention to your partner when you feel so shabby and miserable about yourself! Our self worth takes a battering too!

    I promise you - it's not all doom and gloom! It does get better!

    I know that you're not keen on HRT - and I understand that completely. It's a great option for some women.

    There are also lots of other things you can do to help yourself feel better - supplements, food choices, exercise, mindfulness. So many choices! 

    I'm three months in on HRT patches, and it's made a massive difference to me, but I've also had years of treating my symptoms naturally, so I know that both ways can work. It's a question of seeing what you want for yourself, taking a bit of time, and finding the solution that works for you.

    We have lots of experts on the forum. They are all really receptive to answering questions, and if you read their discussion threads, you'll see that they have lots of suggestions for all things menopause. They have helped me take hold of my symptoms and I am so much happier for it!

    Please feel free to ask any questions you like - and as often as you like!

    We're all here to help one another 😊

Answers

  • KazKaz Posts: 482 mod

    Relief! That's a great word!

    Yes - the sense of relief when you share, and discover that you're not the only one out there feeling the way that you do.

    Glad it helped in even a small way.

    You know where we are if you need us ♥️

  • Julie20Julie20 Posts: 169 mod

    Oh bless you. I can't bring myself to call you driedupprune so I will just say hello and welcome.

    You are not alone in how you are feeling and what you are going through is totally natural.

    The unfortunate thing is menopause has only very recently become a topic of conversation, it was always hidden away so your husband has probably never seen anybody go through it before so not only does he not understand it but he doesn't know what to do either, and how can we expect a man to understand when we don't even understand it ourselves.

    I can't take HRT but I have had to give in and take citalopram for the mood swings. If I didn't I actually think I would be jobless and behind bars. I started on 10mg which was fine for about 6 months but I've recently upped it to 20mg as I've noticed myself starting to snap at people again for no reason. Also lack of sleep doesn't help.

    May be you could go to Holland and Barrett and ask their advice on natural supplements to start you off until the time when you feel ready to seek professional advice.

    Do you have any friends local to you that you can share a glass of wine with and have a good ol' cry and rant. It's amazing what just letting it all out does.

    Please rant to us any time you need to.

    Good luck X

  • Hi Juie & Kaz

    I really wanted to thank you for your replies and found your advice and support so helpful.

    I still cannot get my head around my flipping useless husbands lack of interest, understanding or support. He is pathetic ! with all these forums and internet searches help and advice these days he still acts like a teenage boy regarding dealing with this menopause issue.

    He’s not with it, he’s overweight, and really quite boring and not interested in the same things as me really, (however I love him) but he still seems to think something better than me is what’s worth looking for (actually even his best mates say he is punching way above his weight) but he is more interested looking/thinking about better/other things than actually appreciating what he has right in front of him.

    This has been accelerated 100% by my “issues” !

    I am -

    loopy and moody and unattentive and unreasonable.

    I keep telling him I have no control of any emotion or temperature control tight now however every complaint I make is a direct hit at him and how I apparently don’t fancy or love him or pay him enough attention ! He feels unloved !

    Um ! So do I :-)

    This is MORE exhausting than ANY symptoms I am dealing with.!

    I did fortunately bump into an old friend yesterday and she is same age and same symptoms and she advised me to see my doctor so appointment is booked ! Fingers crossed I can get some medical support to help me as I have none at home.

    She told me she has these very black moods, felt suicidal at times, and I was so relieved to hear her say that out loud

    I cannot believe I have chosen to spend my change of life with such an childish excuse for a man !

    apparently today I was sad then happy and sad again !!!!

    This is apparently due to him being out of the house on business and I’m obviously having an affair ! He is thinks this is a real possibility as he has lied and cheated !

    Im not interested in grubby affairs, I’d rather just leave him !

    I am starting to lose control of my emotions regarding him! I mean this seriously !

    Please help me ! I am desperately unhappy at the moment. I feel like shit physically and emotionally.

    My father has just been diagnosed with Leukemia and my mum is slipping into alzheimers rapidly.

    I just want to get away from everything and everyone right now.

    I have to wait 10 days to see my doctor and I’m worried I might not cope until then !

    thank you as I know not all of this is related to the “pause” but it is all a culmination of problems which I seem unable to deal with right now.

    Any support or advice would agin be greatly appreciated

    D.U.O.P 😕

  • KazKaz Posts: 482 mod

    Hello again!

    Good to hear from you!But sorry to hear your frustration -and I really get it. I quite often used to dream of getting in the car and driving away. I was never sure where I was going to go, I just knew I didn't want to be where I was!

    I've been on the mood roller coaster this week too. What you are describing is entirely normal , and there are lots of us who feel the same way. Do not think of yourself as loopy, moody or unreasonable. From your photo, you are definitely not unattractive! You are lovely! 😊

    I think the thing we need to do, is give you enough strength and resolve to get you through the next ten days. I think you're right, some of the problems you're having are definitely not menopause related, but more difficult to cope with because your menopausal symptoms are exhausting you. If there is such a thing as a male menopause, then it's the pits that you're having to deal with that too!

    I don't quite know what to suggest about your husband! Perhaps having a menopausal wife is a reminder that he's no spring chicken himself? It's hard to know what goes on inside someone's head! I sometimes wish that we saw ourselves as the visions of loveliness that some middle aged men clearly think they are. I hope your husband has just lost his way a bit, and is lashing out because he doesn't understand or doesn't want to deal with what's happening to you. It's frustrating that some people, not just men, seem to attack rather than talk about their concerns. A lot of things could be solved simply by having a conversation and listening! Projecting his own inadequacies on to you is unfair, and frankly unhelpful for you. There's a certain arrogance though that comes from thinking that there is something or someone better out there. From the picture that you paint, it's definitely a case of Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus! I understand completely that it must be overwhelming coping with an over blown manchild, when you need love, support and reassurance.

    So let's looks for some positives. You have an appointment. That's GREAT news!

    Now is the time to prepare - write down your symptoms. Make a list for your GP - mood swings, hot flushes, exhaustion, low libido, thin hair, no periods, despair. List them all! I always think that writing it down for your GP shows them that you've thought properly about your symptoms.

    What affects you the most? Let your GP know how this affects your relationship and how low you feel. Please make sure that the GP knows of the extra levels of stress with your Dads' diagnosis and your mums' dementia. That's a huge emotional load for you to bear. ☹️

    What do you want? Be prepared to ask for HRT if that's what your goal is. Some GPs might want to offer anti depressants instead of HRT, so be prepared to speak up for yourself if that's not what you're after. But don't rule anything out - if you need some anti depressant help, then that's OK too. This appointment is all about getting the help you need.

    You can't control how your husband reacts to things, but you can control how you react to your husband. Make a conscious effort to try not to engage in conflict ( and even as I write this, I know how hard that is in reality!). Be calm if you can. Explain that you're trying your best and you've made an appointment to get some help. If it gets too much - go for a walk, take a bath, message the forum, do whatever it takes to keep your stress levels in check.

    Have you thought of writing a letter to your husband? That's my "go-to" when I think that my other half isn't listening. I put it in a letter - and I can take my time to get the tone, and the content right. Sometimes just writing it down can be cathartic, and you can choose whether to give it to him or not, but perhaps he'll have a better understanding if you can get it on paper. Something personal to you rather than anonymous forum or internet blurb that he probably feels has no relevance to him! Perhaps that's worth a shot?

    I also use a mindfulness app that has helped me enormously with anxiety and lack of sleep. Perhaps that's something you could try? Sometimes just ten minutes lets me get myself together again.

    I'm so glad that you felt able to come back and talk to us again. I hope there's something here that you can use to help get you through. Hang on to the fact that you've made that appointment, and you're actively doing something to resolve the issues you're having. You are taking control and that's HUGE!

    You know where we are!

    Hang in there.

    Kaz 😊❤️

  • BessBess Posts: 9

    I feel your frustration at your husband, I am going through similar experience, thanks to Kaz I am going to download a mindfulness app to help me, my doctors appointment is tomorrow and I will also do a list of symptons. I still cant decide which route to take hrt or natural remedies but might get a supply of herbal tea in for the evening drink.

    Hang in there D.U.O.P.!!!! LOVE your name😂

    Bess

  • RoslynRoslyn Posts: 2

    My first post, I came looking as and found someone living my nightmare as all of the above is as if I’d written it myself. At present I’m in meltdown and can only see one way out of this pain, meanwhile my caring husband who thinks I’m playing a game for attention says he has said all he can do so is sitting getting drunk his go to in times of stress to be fair he has told me he loves me and the world needs me and tried to hold me but I just feel disconnected. I can normally pull back by FaceTime with my children/grandchildren but all I did was cry so that’s not good. I suffer from rheumatoid and osteo arthritis, high blood pressure, CKD, Asthma I am in physical and mental pain right now. I had carpal tunnel surgery 1 week ago so can drive just now feel like I’m drowning couldn’t believe others are going through the same

  • KazKaz Posts: 482 mod
    edited May 27

    Hello@Roslyn

    I'm so sorry to hear how low you're feeling. Everything can seem so overwhelming, and you certainly have a lot to cope with.

    I hope that as awful as I can see you are feeling, it helps a small bit to know that you're not the only one. A lot of us feel low, and have real moments of despair. You have lots of physical ailments, and your recent carpal tunnel surgery will also have had an impact. Pain has a way of wearing you out! It must be exhausting just trying to get through your day.

    I think all of the things I've already said earlier in this conversation could also apply to your circumstances. I'm so sorry to hear that you feel so unsupported. Have you told your children how you feel? I think they'd be concerned that you feel the way you do, and perhaps they could try to help? I know I try not to worry my kids, but they've always been supportive when I've clued them in. Or perhaps you have a friend you could talk to?

    I really feel that it's important that you go and have an open and honest conversation with your GP too. Tell them how low you feel, tell them you feel disconnected (that's a great way to describe it) tell them how this is affecting your relationship, let them see your tears. You need help. Perhaps they could offer some talking therapy, or look at your current medications to see if they can make some adjustments to try to lift your mood and get you back on track. I think it's really important that you find someone you can talk to.

    Please don't feel alone. There are lots of women out there who will recognise how you're feeling. We're always happy to hear from you on the forum - but I would really encourage you to seek some help from your doctor as soon as you can. 😊

  • RoslynRoslyn Posts: 2

    thank you for your reply makes me cry to think other people too feel this pain my husband has let the children know, my daughter just gives me space with an encouragement from afar and wee pictures of my grandson my son is either nothing or 100% trying to call despite being told I can’t speak as I am getting to emotional then he guilts me as my granddaughter wants to FaceTime he doesn’t get it x understanding this is “normal” and I’m not going mad has helped for the sake of my family and myself I am going to call the doctor for an appointment tomorrow he is aware I am going through the menopause and had bloods done but unfortunately he won’t do HRT as I have had Breast cancer previously x I’ve tried natural remedies but think it’s time to even take something to try and raise my mood x thanks for listening x

  • KazKaz Posts: 482 mod

    Oh @Roslyn

    It's so hard ist't it? You're definitely not going mad. It's your hormones! ♥️

    I'm glad you've decided to speak to your GP. Try and be as honest with them as you've been with us. They need to understand just how bad you feel so that they can give you the best help for your circumstances.

    I know exactly what you mean when you find it hard to talk without getting emotional, especially on Facetime. My husband works abroad, and there are days when I just dont want to talk to him because I don't want him to see me upset or crying. It's hard to explain that it's nothing to do with him, or even that I have no idea why sometimes I feel so miserable - it's just the hormone rollercoaster! Some days I just don't want to engage!

    Somehow it's easier though, knowing that I'm not the only one who has these mood swings, and although they are much better on HRT, they are still there occasionally. I find I worry about it much less now, and my husband finally realises that it's one of the many symptoms of menopause, and he accepts that. I know how lucky that makes me, but it wasn't always this way. We've had some full and frank conversations getting to this point.

    You're making the first step to feeling better by making that appointment, and you know where we are if you want to chat. 😊

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