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Being 'Fine' all the time

Hi everyone, I really should not be moaning at all and feel guilty all the time for doing so.

My story is an early oral cancer in situ 3 yrs ago which surgery removed. Still have 3 monthly checks but no problems since then. Now have DCIS which is an early breast cancer and again has not spread.

Had lumpectomy and starting radiotherapy next week which hopefully will see it off.

However, I am sick of being 'Fine' to people. I feel I have to be, especially for my 2 adult daughters, but also for the rest of my family. I will try to explain -

My only sibling Karen is in remission from Oesophageal cancer from 2015. Her husband (my lovely brother in law) died last October from the same awful cancer. The anniversary of his funeral is in 1 days time. She is obviously stressed at the moment, with good reason. She has also had a scan recently to check on her but is waiting on the results.

I feel like a fraud for being worried about myself so keep telling everyone I am fine. I know my current cancer will not kill me so I should be 'Fine'. I am trying to be fine but sometimes I am not. I feel overwhelmed with sadness and anger sometimes at what cancer has done to me and my family. I am horrible to my husband and just generally not being a nice person. I spend a lot of time on my own (husband works away Mon - Fri most weeks) which I think is not helping but I cannot be bothered to go out and prefer to spend my days at home, in track suit bottoms and slippers. You people who get up early and go for walks put me to shame, you really do.

I think I am just on a 'debbie downer' tonight (it doesn't help when I can't sleep either) and need a moan. Sorry everyone. I have so much to be grateful for so should really get a grip. So sorry to the people going through so much worse than me. Hopefully tomorrow I will get a bit more perspective and count my blessings.

I hope I have not offended anyone x


  • RobertARobertA Posts: 1,042 ✭✭✭✭✭

    @kar399 @Sunshinedaff @KarinSieger

    Hi Kar

    Please don't be sorry. You are perfectly entitled to feel the way you do. You and your family have had/are having a rotten time and your situation is very real and should not be diminished because you feel that other people may be worse off.

    I have seen your earlier posts and I am so pleased that you have joined our community. There are a lot of people who will understand what you are going through and I am sure they will be in touch. I am out most of the day, but I will write again this evening.

    Rob x

  • SusanW60SusanW60 Posts: 13

    Hi Kar

    I completely understand where you're coming from! I too keep feeling guilty that I'm still such a misery a lot of the time when I should be feeling better now. Sounds like you and your sister are having a really tough time. Don't be too hard on yourself! I too spend a lot of time on my own and you're right it probably doesn't help at all. As soon as I get up in the morning I'm making excuses to myself why I dont need to go out! I find meeting up with old friends such a bittersweet experience! It reminds me of how different my life is now. I'm glad they are well and happy of course but at times I find myself envying their carefree lives which just makes me feel rotten and as you say I'm always "fine"!

    I do hope you're having a good day after all today. I do find the gloomy thoughts come and go.

    Best wishes to you and your family


  • kar399kar399 Posts: 19

    Hi, SusanW60 & RobertA

    Thank you both for your lovely replies. I appreciate them very much.

    I do feel a bit better today. I had a long hot shower (don't like soaking in the bath) and then managed to get some chores done.

    It has been the most gorgeous day here today, quite warm and I think that helped too.

    I think, as you say Susan the gloomy thoughts do come and go so need to remember that next time they strike.

    Take care both and thank you again x

  • SunshinedaffSunshinedaff Posts: 1,186 ✭✭✭✭✭

    @kar399 @SusanW60 @RobertA @KarinSieger

    Hi Kar,

    As Rob and Susan have already said brilliantly, there is no need to apologise or feel the need to be 'fine' all the time. It is completely understandable given your circumstances and situation, you are being very thoughtful especially with the anniversary of your brother-in-law at this time. Your family has been ravaged by cancer, it is not surprising you feel the way you do. You are definitely not a fraud, absolutely not. Even though your treatment for this cancer will hopefully be successful, it is not unusual to still be worried about it, now and in the future.

    I hope you will see from here, even from Susan's post that others understand completely where you are at. It is extremely difficult sometimes seeing other people carrying on with their lives uninteruppted by cancer. When we are diagnosed with cancer, our lives and the lives of our families change in an instant, and the repercussions of everything we go through can linger and change us for a very long time, perhaps always.

    It is very understandable not wanting to go out, see people etc, and there are days where you want to just close the curtains, and not answer the door. This is when the community here is a great place you can come to and chat here with others in the same boat as you are. Hopefully, tomorrow and other tomorrows will be better, and you will find the motivation or inclination to venture out, or meet a friend for coffee or something.

    You did make me smile and laugh out loud with 'debbie downer', I do love that character!


    Lou xx

  • kar399kar399 Posts: 19

    Thank you Sunshinedaff,

    It is very kind of you to reply and such nice words too.

    Have a good weekend all ❤️

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