Sad and awful day
I'm just musing today, feeling totally brassed off and negative, maybe its because I have always hated Sundays in UK even as a little lad because there was nothing to do in my rural small town but it got better when I moved overseas with my parents to a big cosmopolitan city which was a great posting for all our family for 5 years but once back...brassed off Sundays. However I think its all down to cancer.
Its maybe because I am having my first chemo this week and after having had my secondary cancer head and hair blasting radiotherapy treatment that makes me look like Sloth in The Goonies 1985 film its making me feel brassed off even more? Who knows but I wish I had a magic wand to fix all we cancer sufferers who are going through this awfulness with one wave of that wand.
I am not looking forward to the chemo as I had it 32 years ago and it was awful, I went in for a week at a time for several sessions and it was awful but I am told that this sort regime of chemo is not used for my liver cancer so I am pretty hopeful for that but still scared about the outcomes especially as I think I have more
There are many sessions I will be going through and I know that they will never not knock the cancer on the head so I will be cancer free but I keep hoping it will give me more life. I think its the human spirit response in wanting to live for as long as possible but I have the feeling I won't have long left even though I feel I have much to give and more so I hate the thoughts of my lovely wife waking up the first morning after I have died really tugs at my heart strings and I know what she will be feeling like, I think?
I will not be there to make her coffee or breakfast, cook her meals and simply be with when we laugh so much. Its really sad and this is the most awful part of this awful long term death sentence. We wont be able to place a cruise or trip to New York or anywhere else. Its awful and it makes me cry inside so much.
Good night all and sleep tight, hope the bed bugs don't bite!! Sorry if I upset anyone with my day.