When it all gets to much!!

Hi am new to the forum, so hello. Am having a bad time dealing with everything!.

I was diagnosed December 2017 with stage 4 bowel cancer that had spread to my liver. 2018 started with 3 months of chemotherapy, then in the July I had a liver resection, which for many reasons completely knocked me for six, then in September I had a bowel resection. In the January 2019 I was told everything went well and even though I would never be cured the cancer was inactive and I would have scans every six months to keep an eye on things. So I felt like I could start getting myself better and enjoy doing every day things again, get my life back.

Had my first CT scan in January an the cancer had returned to my liver, I was booked in for Pet scan and it showed it has gone to my lungs. So once again its radiotherapy and surgery.

I just feel like I've had enough already, am so fed up of my life being hospital appointments , MRI CT and Pet scans and surgery. Am in so much pain constantly that I don't get to do normal things like going for a coffee or shopping or just being with my family.

Am I doing this whole cancer thing wrong . I've read posts on this forum and you all seem to be coping a lot better than me, please if you can give me any advice I would be so grateful.

Thank you from the not always this miserable Tracey

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Comments

  • SunshinedaffSunshinedaff Posts: 644 ✭✭✭✭

    @Tmac63

    Hi Tracey,

    It is lovely to 'meet' you, welcome to the community, I hope you will find it a place of support and friendship.

    You have been through so much, I am so sorry to hear the cancer has returned. It is very understandable to feel the way you do, it is just so horrendous the way cancer invades our lives.

    The seemingly never-ending trips to hospital can be very tiring and draining, not including treatment!

    It isn't that others are 'coping better' than you Tracey, you are living in a nightmare, which is what cancer does. It's terrifying, the unknown brings so much fear, sometimes it is hard to breathe. There is no right or wrong way to get through cancer, so no, you are not doing anything wrong! We are all different, and have different ways of getting through.

    You have come to the right place, there are many of us here, all at different stages of this cancer fight, there is absolutely no shame in feeling like you do. Really. Everyone here will empathise with you, we all support one another. But also, we cry, shout, rant, laugh with each other.

    I haven't been through the same as you, I was diagnosed with breast cancer, but I would encourage you to not give up, develop a positive mindset, and talk to us. You are not alone in this, even though we are not with you in person, we are with you here. I really mean that.

    With the pain, is there anything else your dr's can give you to help ease that? I know that pain is so debilitating.

    Please come and chat again, if you want to ask anything just say.

    Thinking of you,

    Lou x

  • Tmac63Tmac63 Posts: 15

    Thank you Lou your words have been very helpful and supportive. X

  • jacksprat_x1jacksprat_x1 Posts: 158 ✭✭✭

    @Tmac63@Sunshinedaff

    Hi Tracey,

    I know it’s late but I just had to say my heart goes out to you. I am so sorry you have had so much on your plate to deal with.

    No one would blame you for feeling miserable. I wish you some better days too.

    I echo everything that Lou has said and hope tomorrow brings a better day.

    I had 4th chemo today so feeling that I should be in bed so will talk to you again soon. Take care dear be kind to yourself and know that we care for you.

    Lv Jackie x

  • Tmac63Tmac63 Posts: 15

    Thank you Jackie for your reply, don't worry about it being late I don't sleep so well these days.

    I hope your not suffering to much with the chemotherapy, it's not a nice process.

    It was lovely to hear from you and hope to catch up again soon xx

  • jacksprat_x1jacksprat_x1 Posts: 158 ✭✭✭

    Good morning Tracey, I hope that you managed some sleep.

    I was thinking about your pain relief. I’m sure you have mentioned it to your care team but I was suffering from electric shock type pains in my fingers and hands and tongue and throat. Due to a platinum component in the infusions. As I was sitting in the car park before my appointment I read a post from a lady who said why not tell your doctor about it they may be able to adjust the meds. I hadn’t thought of this I thought well this is how it is. We all know how awful chemo is supposed to be. I told the doctor and he said we need to know these things that’s the point of the visit. He adjusted my dose from 100 to 80%. I was so grateful for the ladies advice so please just say to them is there something to ease the pain?

    I must say I do feel quite good at the moment but it’s early days I know. Let’s see what day four brings 😂

    I hope with support of our group you can start to feel a little better mentally every day. I know the pain is a big issue and the thought of more treatment is daunting but with us cheering you on you can do it again.

    Take care.

    Lv Jackie xx🙋‍♀️

  • SunshinedaffSunshinedaff Posts: 644 ✭✭✭✭

    @jacksprat_x1 , @Tmac63

    Good morning lovely ladies,

    Jackie, I know you were up early, I hope you were able to get some rest last night.

    Tracey, the same for you too. Jackie's suggestion about amending the meds might be worth mentioning to the Dr, unless you have already tried that.

    I really do hope that you both can rest today, especially as your nights are difficult. Just know we are thinking of you, here for you.

    Sending gentle hugs

    🤗

    Lou xx

  • jacksprat_x1jacksprat_x1 Posts: 158 ✭✭✭

    Hi Lou I did get some sleep when I remembered my Buddhist Omm chant in my head haha! Didn’t want to wake the neighbourhood!

    Have a good day all!

    lv Jackie xx

  • RobertARobertA Posts: 439 ✭✭✭✭

    @Tmac63

    Hi Tracey

    No wonder you are feeling so low. You have had so much thrown at you and I feel for you.

    Coping with cancer is hard and even when you are surrounded by family and friends, you can feel very lonely. Do you have any support groups in your area? MacMillan Cancer Support have been brilliant for me. I got really low and they provided me with a counsellor free of charge. Even if you feel that you do not need to go that far, you can pop in for a cuppa and a chat and a bit of advice.

    My wife is a volunteer with Jersey Hospice which has a daycentre with coffee and cake, quiz sessions. craft sessions, yoga, mindfulness, a choir, and weekly discussion groups which I often attend. I wonder if there is one in your area? 

    I also love this community. It is full of courageous, caring and funny people, new friends who don’t mind when you are having a bad day and who celebrate the good ones with you, You are most welcome and I hope you will keep in touch.

    Rob x

  • Tmac63Tmac63 Posts: 15

    Hi Rob thank you for your lovely reply. My liver nurse has referred me to Macmillan and I have a lady called Vicky who is coming to see me next week.

    I am just feeling overwhelmed with it all at the moment. Last year was a whirlwind, from the moment I got diagnosed in December 2017 everything went so fast, 2018 was so hard with chemotherapy and operations plus all the complications in between.

    I just thought/ hoped it would be a long time before it came back, give myself time to get my head around it all and not have to be a cancer patient.

    So when it came back within months and spread to my lungs as well it knocked me for six.

    I've got my CT scan Monday on my chest then a lung ablation procedure on the 23rd. A course of radiation treatment was mentioned but I will know more about that when I get my scan results.

    Sorry I've chatted on a bit, just wanted to say thank you for your advice and I will ask about the counselling and the hospice. It's good to hear there is lots of help about and this forum is a definite God send.

    Hugs Tracey 🤗

  • Tmac63Tmac63 Posts: 15

    *That was Liver ablation

  • RobertARobertA Posts: 439 ✭✭✭✭

    @Tmac63

    Hi Tracey

    Lovely to hear from you and please chat as much as you want to. It must have been a terrible blow to hear that the cancer had returned.

    I think that most of us appreciate the opportunity to chat with other cancer survivors who understand in a way that people who have not been through it cannot however loving and caring they may be. We are here to chat and support one another and to share our experiences and I hope you will keep posting and telling us how you are getting on.

    Rob x

  • gloden02gloden02 Posts: 51 ✭✭

    Hi Tracey. Just been reading your posts on here. You’ve come to the right place. There are some lovely caring folks on here who make you feel you are not alone. I was diagnosed with T cell NHL Oct 2017. I have had radiotherapy and CHOP Chemo and was for a short time in remission but since finishing Chemo in August I have had two more lumps appear so the cancer is still there. I see my oncologist 4th June and he tells me not to worry as we now know how my cancer behaves and is likely to continue in that same way. The lumps turn to sores and then heal on the surface. All 4 pet scans I have had were clear but I am so worried it will go into the organs or lymph nodes. It’s living in a nightmare . We have to try and stay positive, not easy I know. At least you and I can have treatment and new ones are coming out every day. More people are living much longer lives now with treatments for cancer. So there is lots of hope for you and loads of love and care from us all. Keep in touch please. Lots of hugs Gloria xxx

  • Tmac63Tmac63 Posts: 15

    @gloden02

    Hi Gloria thank you for taking time to reply. This cancer thing is a long journey for each of us. Sounds like you have has your own challenges on your cancer journey. The whole process can knock us off our feet a lot of the time, with me I guess I was hoping for a bit of normality for awhile and not just being a cancer patient.

    Am ok now got my head sorted and excepting my next stage of the cancer journey. Had a C T scan Monday so just waiting for results and have a liver ablation on Tuesday. So am just taking time to enjoy the sun.

    Hope your well and enjoying the Easter weekend.

    Big hugs 🤗 Tracey xx

  • gloden02gloden02 Posts: 51 ✭✭

    Hi Tracey. Hope you get good results from ct scan. Glad you feeling bit calmer. Yes I’m out sitting in the sunshine in my garden too. Hope you enjoy your Easter weekend too. Lots of hugs Gloria xxx

  • LesleyLesley Posts: 131 ✭✭✭

    Hi Tracy , been reading your posts , you will have so much support here, we are all supporting each other, there are lovely people here! We are your online family ! Good and bad we are here for you! 👍Xx

  • Tmac63Tmac63 Posts: 15

    Thank you Lesley, you are all amazing and very supportive. So thankful I've found you all

    ❤🤗xxxx

  • JR124JR124 Posts: 32

    Dont feel bad we are not saints we are humans who cancer has chosen to visit. I'm in a hospital ward at the moment feeling very sorry for myself as I came in for debulking after removal of ovarian cancer. It was all going so well looking good. Then.. I went into surgery and ended up with bowel obstruction. So here I sit nasogastric tube scratching my throat. 2 lines in. Catheter... unable to eat drink or move and looked after but treated by people like I'm a little old lady. I'm 57 FYI hoping and praying it all gets better soon so I can get my lips around a vanilla latte. !

    Hang on in there!!! Never give up! Xx

  • RobertARobertA Posts: 439 ✭✭✭✭

    @JR124

    Hi June

    So sorry to hear about your bowel obstruction. That was not in the script and no wonder you are feeling sorry for yourself.

    Ha ha, you will never be a little old lady and with your great attitude, it will not be long before you are enjoying that vanilla latte.

    Rob x

  • RobertARobertA Posts: 439 ✭✭✭✭

    @Tmac63

    Hi Tracey

    Hope your liver ablation went well and that you were able to enjoy the Easter weekend.

    Rob x

  • Tmac63Tmac63 Posts: 15

    Hi Robert

    Actually in hospital had my ablation this morning all went well and am feeling ok. It wasn't as bad as I thought.

    Had a lovely Easter hope you did too.

    Tracey xx

  • Tmac63Tmac63 Posts: 15

    Hi @JR124

    Thank you for you message. So sorry to hear what you are going through. This cancer journey is not easy and it's never straightforward. It does take every bit of strength and positivity we can muster to get through the daily ups and downs.

    Am sending you big hug and once again thank you for your message, especially when you are going through so much yourself.

    Much love Tracey 🤗❤

  • LouiseJLouiseJ Posts: 259 mod

    @JR124

    Hi June,

    l’m so sorry to hear that you have had complications with a bowel obstruction, no wonder you feel low. It’s horrible when things are going in the right direction and then something like this upsets everything. How long have you been in hospital? I do hope they get the bowel sorted out very soon, so you can get home and recover.

    Old lady?? I don’t think so, haha, we are the same age, my drs tell me I’m a young person, so you must be too!

    Thinking of you and praying for you too.

    Lou x

  • LouiseJLouiseJ Posts: 259 mod

    @Tmac63

    Hi Tracey,

    Really glad for you the procedure went well, will they let you go home soon?

    Wishing you a speedy recovery from surgery,

    Lou 🤗

  • Tmac63Tmac63 Posts: 15

    Hi Lou yes hopefully get to go home today fingers crossed.

    Luv Tracey xx

  • JR124JR124 Posts: 32

    Louise

    Been in 10 days now actually brighter today but who knows what the next stage brings!!! Thank you for your thoughts hope it goes well for you xxx

  • Tmac63Tmac63 Posts: 15

    Oh Louise that's a long time, I understand how you must be feeling I was in 15 days after liver resection, couldn't wait to get home.

    Am home now, the next thing for me is results of my lung scan, I think MDT meeting tomorrow so should hear by next week. I get to meet new consultant (lung one) to add to my list get to find out what's next for me.

    Am glad your feeling brighter today 😁 hopefully you will be home very soon.

    Keep in touch

    Love Tracey xx

  • LouiseJLouiseJ Posts: 259 mod

    @JR124

    June that is so horrible for you, even though you are receiving good medical care, having to stay in hospital for a long time is so hard, and must be frustrating. Great you had a brighter day yesterday, I hope that continues and things move forwards very soon.

    Sending gentle hugs,

    Lou x

  • JerseyBobJerseyBob Posts: 15 mod

    @JR124

    Hi June

    I hope that your hospital stay is well behind you, that you are feeling better and that you have finally enjoyed that vanilla latte.

    Rob x

  • JerseyBobJerseyBob Posts: 15 mod

    @Tmac63

    Hi Tracey

    I am thinking you will have had the results of your lung scan by now. . I do hope that it went as well as can be expected and that you have a good treatment plan in place.

    Rob x

  • Tmac63Tmac63 Posts: 15

    @JerseyBob

    Hi Rob I actually saw a consultant at the heart and chest hospital yesterday, the scan I had done was not clear so I am having another one, this time with contrast, hopefully that will give them a clearer picture. Just a nuisance it's more waiting time.

    I had my liver ablation last week and everything went well, just feeling very tired.

    I hope you are well and thank you for taking the time to catch up.

    Tracey X

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