Having a Bad Day?
VE75 was not a good day for me. I didn’t attend any of the celebrations. I didn’t want to be near people. I didn’t want to talk to people. I was having a ‘down’ day. I just wanted to be left alone to wallow in my own misery.
It was one of those days where everything came in on me. All the usual aches and pains that I normally handled without any fuss just ganged up on me and I wondered where all this was heading. After having 6 cycles of Docetaxel ending in October last year, I had thought that, by now, I would be far more physically able than I am. However, it appears that most of my pain and lack of physical ability is now caused by the ADT (Androgen Deprivation Therapy) which is now my only defence against my stage 4 prostate cancer. ADT is all I have, and I will be on it for the rest of my life. It is ironic that the very thing that is keeping me alive is the very same thing that is stopping me from enjoying the time I have left.
I visit a couple of other cancer groups and some people there are always referring to themselves as warriors who are fighting this battle against the scourge of cancer. I don’t see it that way. This is not some computer game where you get to be revived if you are killed. One strike and you’re out! On the other hand, there are others who sent a whole range of images to somebody who is really suffering and they do this rather than give the comfort of a few words of support.
Now, please don’t get me wrong. I am not looking for sympathy. I can deal with it all today. I am not in despair. The floods of tears shed at the slightest sign of somebody else’s distress have dried. Today is another day and there will be one tomorrow and another after that. I have moved on and will keep moving.
I am posting this to let anybody else who might be having their own bad day to know that you are not alone. It happens to us all. It is OK for you to shut yourself off for a while and have a little wallow in self-pity. Be selfish. Do what YOU want. You can’t keep putting on a happy face if you don’t feel it. Give the “I’m alright, don’t worry about me” a rest for a short while.
But, don’t drag it out. You only get one day. Then you must get back up and get on with living your life the best way you can.
WHAT ELSE IS THERE?